Hi my loves, happy Sunday night.
I don’t know what it is about midnight hours but this is the time I find myself writing the most and being creative.
Today I had a good day of self-reflection. I had some time to sit and think about everything I’ve been through the past year and a half. It brought me to tears. I just sat there and couldn’t believe I put myself through this. I also didn’t know I was so damn strong.
As most of you know, I had some health issues in 2019. They started with nausea, fatigue, panic attacks and anxiety. I was told I had GERD. I was dismissed by Western Medicine and told that this was due to stress and would go away on its own. They said I should eat a bland diet, relax and take some Xanax any time I experienced anxiety. I had never taken a sedative in my life so I was so shocked at how easily a GP can throw a sedative at you and send you on your way.
Fast forward a couple months, I was taking Dramamine, anti-acid tablets and ginger chews on a daily basis. It was so hard for me to make it through a work day without being completely exhausted. The nausea would hit me the worst at night after getting off work. I remember I wouldn’t have an appetite and sometimes need to run to the bathroom because of how nauseous I felt. I started waking up in the middle of the night with extreme nausea and anxiety.
At the time, I didn’t know what a panic attack or anxiety attack felt like so I dismissed it and thought I was just having another digestive issue and it would go away after I took a Dramamine tablet. It worked for a while, but soon the Dramamine wouldn’t work. I had no idea my nervous system was already breaking down and my body was giving me clear signs.
To this day, being nauseous is one of my most HATED feelings ever. I swear I was probably nauseous for all of 2019. I have no idea how I made it through the year like that. I thank God for getting me through it.
During this time, I was under intense stress in my professional and personal life. I felt like my life was in a constant state of needing to perform. I felt like I didn’t have a break. I was constantly using my fight or flight response. I was always on the go and doing a million things at once. My cortisol levels definitely sky rocketed through the roof.
I was working full-time while finishing my Bachelor’s Degree and taking 18 units. I would work many long days past my 8 hours and had some 12 hour days on top of my school. I was working out super early every day before my work day, even on days I felt absolutely exhausted.
At the end of 2019, I went through tough family and relationship issues that weighed heavily on me emotionally. I was not happy, making choices that weren’t going to benefit me in the long run and I knew it, I just didn’t listen. I had hope in situations and people that I should’ve let go. I felt like I kept trying and trying and nothing was working out. I used my job as a way to distract myself from what was really going on in my personal life and facing things head on. I dedicated my life to distracting me from how I was feeling internally. I felt I needed to perform and be the best in everything I did: relationships, work, my body/fitness, school, etc. I thought that would bring me happiness. It didn’t. This only took more of a toll on my nervous system.
Mid 2019, I had a couple ER visits because I started experiencing what I now know were intense panic attacks. There was a day I couldn’t leave a public restroom because I felt so light headed and dizzy and nauseous. I felt like I was having a heart attack. What was more frustrating is that the doctors couldn’t find anything. All of my tests came back normal.
Towards the end of 2019, I started noticing my nausea was increasing during my work day and I was having trouble finishing my tasks. I couldn’t sit in meetings for too long without needing to step out because I felt I needed to run to the bathroom. It was horrible. I started having difficulty getting up in the mornings to go workout and during my workouts, I would get really nauseous.
I remember one day at work I experienced the strangest sensation ever. I was really upset and when I went back to my desk, I felt like everything was warping in front of me. I feel like I was falling down to my right side. I felt like gravity was weighing on me so heavily and I couldn’t get up. I couldn’t get up to walk because I was going to fall. I remember grabbing my co-worker being super scared and asking her to get my purse for me so I could go to Urgent Care.
My mom had to pick me up from work and drive me to Urgent Care. When the doctor saw me, I remember he said that all I had to do was drink more water because I was probably dehydrated. I remember how pissed off I was when he told me this because I was literally drinking a gallon a day. Again, my tests were normal, so of course, the doctors sent me on my way.
One morning, I woke up and felt like my whole world came crashing down. I had absolutely no idea where north, south, east and west was. I experienced sensations that left me scared for my life. I remember waking up feeling intense pressure in my head. I felt like my ears were plugged up, especially my left ear. I woke up with a ringing in my ears and any noise or bright lights were painful to tolerate. I stood up and felt like I was so disoriented. I felt like I wasn’t connected to my body and like everything around me was happening slower than I was actually perceiving it. My senses were distorted. I had lost my balance. I felt like I was walking on an unstable surface. I felt like I was floating. I felt like I couldn’t stand still because I would lean forwards and fall. I felt like I was walking on a turbulent airplane consistently. This was so terrifying. I couldn‘t sit down because I felt like the chair was moving. I couldn’t feel my feet and legs. I felt like I was so disconnected to my lower half of my body. All of a sudden, walking from the bed to the kitchen became a marathon. I was consistently exhausted. It was so hard for me to shower because I felt the shower moved and I couldn’t stand still. I remember one specific day I managed to shower because I had to go to a doctor’s appointment. I remember trying to blow dry my hair because I was tired of feeling ugly and I didn’t have enough energy to hold the blow dryer above my head. I remember sitting on the couch trying to save energy to blow dry my hair and I was just crying. I cried so hard and didn’t understand what was wrong with me. I didn’t know why something so simple was now so difficult for me. I felt no one understood what I was going through and feeling. No one knew how shitty it felt to not have energy and have your world feel like it’s constantly moving. Even sleeping became a scary task. I felt my world wasn’t at peace, ever. I became housebound and couldn’t stand stimulating environments. Grocery stores were a big nope. It was hard to scroll on my phone. My ears, eyes and brain were not communicating properly. This causes my sensory distortion.
This made me consistently nauseous. I had absolutely no appetite and lost 15 pounds in 2 weeks. I couldn’t stand the smell and sight of food. All I could tolerate was fresh ginger tea and ginger chews. I was having panic attacks more frequently because I was just so scared. I was terrified all day from what I was feeling and all the things I read online when I tried looking for answers to what was going on with me. Please do yourself a favor and NEVER google any symptoms if you’ve gone to the doctors and they’ve medically cleared you. Don’t do it. Focus on healing after you’ve gotten medical clearance. Googling for answers will only make you feel worse. Trust me on this.
I had to take some time off work and focus on my healing. There was no way I could make it through a work day anymore. I started looking for ways to heal myself because I did not want to live my life like this. I was only 23 and I was always healthy growing up. I didn’t want to accept no as an answer.
Eventually I found Joey Remenyi from seekingbalance.com.au and I cried when I found her. I remember texting my mom and telling her “mom, I can heal! I’m not stuck like this forever, I think I found someone that can help me.“ I watched her videos on YouTube and immediately researched her website to find a way to join Rock Steady, her 12 week Neuroplasticity program that teaches you how to reword your brain to heal itself. She spoke on every single symptom I had and educated me on the nervous system and how western medicine is so far behind on how to heal these types of health issues. She was the first person who told me I can completely heal. I was shocked and so excited. It was a sign from God.
I applied for a scholarship for Joey’s program because her program was out of my price range at the time, and God blessed me with having the program for free. I knew it from there. I knew I was gonna heal. I dedicated a lot of time to her audios and daily practices, even for 15 minutes a day. Immediately the first week of doing it, my nausea decreased. I started seeing drastic changes and finding more inner peace. It was so beautiful. I was able to start eating again.
Healing is such an intense process. One day you feel you got the hang of it and that everything‘s gonna be okay, only to wake up the next morning and feel like you’re back at square one. This is totally NORMAL. Your body is doing it’s best to figure things out and keep healing. You literally have to FEEL to heal. You have to feel everything, including the nasty stuff. This allows your brain to keep rechecking its functions and messages to your body. Your brain is always seeking ways to heal. Your brain and nervous system recognize they need to correct when you experience a “symptom.” Even with the most intense symptoms, please breathe through it. Cry if you have to, but keep breathing. I know, I know how hard it is. I know how you feel. I know you feel doomed and miserable, but please, for the love of God don’t you dare give up. You are NOT going to be stuck this way forever. Just breathe, pray, cry, feel and ask for support. Don’t be afraid to ask for help and support. Don’t be afraid to invest in your health. Don’t be afraid of taking drastic measures to help you heal.
It took a lot of work, a lot of saying no and a lot of commitment to myself to be able to heal. I had to completely re-create myself. I finally had no other choice but to pay attention to myself and only myself so I could heal. I had to cut out as much negativity and stress as I could, including social media. I started learning about the nervous system and how our bodies work. I started learning about emotions and how suppressed emotions result in physiological illnesses. I started learning about Eastern Medicine to help me heal. I stepped away from Western Medicine completely. But most importantly, I learned that everything I need to heal is within me already and that I had a lot of work to do on myself internally.
I started learning about Spiritualism and Trauma healing. I knew my healing was mental and emotional. I knew I had years and years of shit happen to me that had kept me in survival mode forever. Of course the life I was living lead me to have a “chronic” illness. Duh. I was ignoring my body and the signs of rest and recovery that is so crucial and needed.
Fast forward to today, man, have I been through it...
I have healed so much in such a rapid pace. I’m so proud of my little body for doing this. I’m so proud of myself. I have no idea where I pulled out strength to keep pushing and keep going in life, but I did. All by the grace of God. I’ve learned so much about my spirit, my soul, my mind, my nervous them and my emotional body. I’ve learned about trauma I had no idea was stuck in my nervous system. I learned that I had to create an even more healing environment for myself.
I am no longer in an environment that was hindering my healing. God removed that from my life. He brought me back to the people who have always supported me and continues to teach me lessons daily. I’m really thankful for all the struggle I went through. Without it, I wouldn’t be the girl I am today. I wouldn’t know how powerful and wonderful I am. I wouldn’t have found my soul calling and the amazing people that are now in my life. I’m still healing and I know I still have internal work to do. I just thank God for this opportunity. Please believe that this is happening FOR YOU to teach you about yourself rather than to you.
Please be gentle with yourself, always. Nothing in this life is more important than your health. Absolutely NOTHING. Without our health, we are nothing. Go as slow and gentle as you need to. Use modalities that work for you. Put yourself first. Toss fear and worry out the window. Forgive yourself and meet yourself fresh every day. Every day is a new day. Leave the past behind.
To people who are helping care for someone with a chronic illness: please realize how strong this person is. They are going through something they can’t even begin to explain and it is not easy. If you want to support them, please be there for them genuinely. If you don’t feel you can help them or are not interested in dedicating genuine attention to them, please leave them alone. Don’t add more stress to their lives. These people are warriors. They’re survivors and they deserve to be put first and heal. I think people with chronic illnesses are the bravest souls on this planet. They have gone through hell on Earth and continue to rise.
If you have any questions for me on my healing journey, please reach out to email@example.com.
Happy Healing, my love. Keep going. You can absolutely do it and heal 100%.