Hi my loves! I know you're probably already wondering what the hell was going through my mind simply by reading the title. AND THAT IS OKAY. Your opinions and judgments are yours, remember? :)
Today I decided to take a leap of faith and participate in a sacred ceremony with a Shaman and a couple trusted people.
Bufo Alvarius has been a vital part of many shamanic ceremonies. Its active ingredient (5-MeO-DMT) is also known as the God or Spirit molecule. This toad is found in the Sonoran Desert.
I wanted to share a better documentary from Gaia.com, but this is a private streaming network and requires a subscription for you to watch.
SO, I will leave you with this okay-ish video I found from Youtube. I honestly do not believe this video can accurately describe the experience. For those of you who want to watch a more accurate viewpoint on Bufo Alvarius, head over to Gaia.com and subscribe to watch the full documentary :)
NOW, I know what you're thinking. Me? Good little Valerie? The girl who preaches health and wellness and healing doing a "PSYCHADELIC?!"
Lol, calm down. Your reaction is based out of a lack of education and knowledge of the process and the substance. IT'S OKAY for you to also not have knowledge of it. Not many people do. But guess who did? Our ancestors and the smartest ancient civilizations that are now influencing us and changing the way the medical system operates.
Yes, I decided to experience Bufo Alvarius and I do not regret it one single bit. It was an experience I honestly cannot describe to you. I was literally mind-blown.
The process was quick. However, for me I lost track of time. I was in a realm I was unsure existed.
After the inhale, I felt my body trying to resist and my legs and lower arms giving out. I was laid down comfortably and held by two wonderfully loved and trusted women. I started vibrating. I could feel my entire body surrendering and giving in to whatever was happening. My mind and ego tried fighting it and I immediately thought "what in the fuck did you get yourself in to, Valerie." I was scared but afterwards said lol fuck it I'm here and this is DEFINITELY something I cannot control.
After all, that's the purpose of this ceremony. It's medicine. Its purpose is to release and reveal things to you that you felt you couldn't exactly put a finger on. I went in to this ceremony wanting to release and understand the reason why I felt pressure in my chest and in my head. What was the reason for all this? What was it here to show me? Oh honey, IT SHOWED ME ALRIGHT.
I began to see white clouds and a white light with gold rectangular shapes opening up. I felt myself float and vibrate. My legs started involuntarily moving and trembling. I started to make noises I didn't know were trapped inside me. I started releasing a cry of agonizing pain and grief. I felt like whatever was in my chest was being regurgitated out via these noises. I was letting it out, I was releasing. What was I releasing exactly? I was releasing the hurt and pain and grief my ancestors had carried. The noises I was making were noises of old women, not mine. They were noises of the women in my family that came years and years before me. Even though I was making these sounds of agonizing grief, I wasn't in any physical pain at all. I never once experienced any pain during this ceremony.
After the agonizing noises came an overflow of tears. I don't remember ever crying this hard. Crying with SO MUCH pain and grief. So much pain that radiated out from my chest right between my breasts underneath my breast bone. I felt that tears were falling on my forehead from above me. Someone else was crying on to me too, but there was no one standing above me. I was feeling the tears of my ancestors.
During the tears, I kept saying phrases that just came out. I couldn't hold them back. I said things like, "no more, no more suffering, no more." I also said, "So much suffering. Why? You didn't have to go through it. You don't need to keep going through it. No more! Please no more, no more for my kids! Please, for my kids." Now, I am still not 100% sure if this was me speaking or my ancestors speaking through me. I don't have kids so I'm not sure, but who knows what the universe has in store for me :) I would love the opportunity to give a little girl the opportunity to live a FREE life and learn from a wise woman like me :)
When I said this and I mentioned kids, I started experiencing a physical sensation in my tailbone. I felt like my hips ached and my tailbone was throbbing. Could this be a sign of the pain of child birth? I'm not sure if this is a sign for me bearing kids or if it's the pain the women in my family experienced birthing kids. Universe, I am leaving it in your hands for me!
I then saw the face of my deceased great grandma and uncle. I saw and sensed more people there with them looking at me and crying in unison. I sensed they were female figures even though I couldn't put faces to them. They were crying through me. I felt every single one of their tears and pain. It was a pressure they all carried in their chests too. I felt they were looking at me like I was the chosen one to end it. They're depending on me. They're counting on me. I was the one chosen to break the cycle of grief carried around for centuries by my ancestors. I was the chosen one to heal my future lineage.
I then saw my mom was a little girl back in her home country of Nicaragua. I saw her in my great grandma's house walking around afraid and feeling pressured to become an adult at the young age of 8 because she had no other choice. She had to take care and look over her twin brother. She was raised by my great grandma who was always a strong soul that rarely showed emotion. Her way of showing you love and care was providing you a meal, roof, water and clothing. That was it. She never showed love in the form of nurture or comforting. I saw my mom in a little black dress walking from the hallway to the kitchen carrying a plate and just looking at my great grandma with fear in her eyes and the desire to have a hug and comforted like a little kid should be. This brought me even more tears. I kept repeating the phrase "I'm so sorry mama, I'm so sorry." I felt I was telling her this with a broken heart and reminding her she didn't deserve it. She didn't deserve to feel fearful all the time and feeling that her childhood was taken away from her. But in this space, I understood my mom so much more. My mom is a really tough woman. She has a hard time releasing all her suppressed emotions and allowing herself to sit with her feelings. I can see she is uncomfortable feeling it. She doesn't want to remember them. She wants to forget. She uses methods of distraction like working all the time, being on her phone, washing, cooking, cleaning, watching TV, etc. I only started seeing this pattern after going through my spiritual journey and recognizing these patterns in MYSELF. I was like this too. I always felt the need to achieve and perform in order to be loved or to feel worthy of love. This was leading me down a path of self destruction and I'm so happy I caught it at this young age of 24.
This image of my mom as a little girl helped me understand WHY my mom and I had the relationship we had when I was growing up. My mom and I were two ticking time bombs since I was a kid. You could not put us in a room together and expect us to get along. Sometimes, these interactions got so violent and lead us to physically harm each other. I remember being around 9 years old and being so afraid of the rage I saw in my mother's eyes that consumed her entirely. I remember I got so fed up once I became a teen and finally started standing up for myself and fighting back, even if it meant to protect myself physically. I loved my mom so I never wanted to hurt her, but I also didn't understand why she would hurt me and say all the things she said to me. But now I know, now I see it's not her fault. It was never her fault. This is how she was raised, this is all she had known. How can you expect someone to act differently when they haven't broken the chains of their past conditioning? Sometimes it takes a MASSIVE event in our life to come to the realization you need to break these chains in order to live a better life. This is why I am where I am now.
It all started to make sense. The reason a dis-ease physically manifested in me was because of these chains. If I want to heal, I need to break free from these chains that have tied down not only my mom but all the women that came before me in my family. No more. No more suffering. Not for me, for my future kids or for my mom and grandma. By breaking free, I also break them free and help them leave their suffering.
Next, I saw my mom and my dad. I saw both of them and their pains. I held their pains in my chest and in my hands. I held all their suffering from their lives in my chest and hands. I grabbed their hands and brought them together and was holding their hands together with mine. I repeated the phrase "Don't take them from me, please." I got really emotional here. My mom and dad are everything for me. Even if sometimes they don't feel that way because of my actions. No more fighting. They don't need to fight anymore. It's all going to be okay. I looked at both of them and just cried. I felt an infinite amount of love for their souls and I know they are two angels God put in my life to look after me. They are always there and come to the rescue when I need them. My dad has had moments where he has physically felt there was something wrong with me and he was right. He is so intuitive and I know that is where I got this from. I've always felt so safe in my dad's arms when he hugs me. My dad always has dreams having to do with natural disasters and these dreams seem to be one of the only things that frighten him. He has seen God in his dreams in nature and talked to him. I've always had dreams about death or people that have died in my life. I've always had dreams about being separated from my parents. I know where I belong and where I am needed. I am needed right here with my parents. This is my place. This is why everything has unfolded the way it has. Everything that's happened to me has been a cry for my soul to go back to them and not leave their side. This is why I felt a need to run for safety back to my parent's arms in my last relationship when I lived with my ex. I wasn't safe, my soul felt it was empty away from them. I wasn't done with my mission either. I'm here to heal to also help heal them at the same time by how powerful and deep I dive in to my own healing journey.
After this, I started feeling the need to grab myself and hold myself sooo tight. I hugged myself and felt my arms. I held my chest so tight. I kept saying, "I am sooo sorry. I'm sooo sorry Tati (my family's nickname for me). I'm here. I'm right here it's okay. Forgive me." I kept holding myself and I fell in to the fetal position. I felt my core collapse in to my being and I felt the pain in my chest send a sigh of relief. I heard a "I've been trying to tell you" come from my body. I'm so sorry I didn't listen to you. You were right with everything you did trying to redirect me. You were screaming to the point of knocking me on my ass at the young age of 23 with a physical manifestation. This is the only way my body was going to get me to listen. When I had no other option but to listen to me. This is confirmation of my mission to self-love and not force anything romantic. I must love myself first. Not just for myself but for the next person I want to love. Everything will come with time.
When I started coming back to reality, I heard a couple phrases come to me. I heard, "It is not for me to understand. It is not for me to force. I don't want to understand. I don't want to force. I am here to be someone. I am here to do something."
This is my mantra. This is what I will repeat over and over again. This is what my body and soul have been trying to tell me for a long time.
Lastly, the physical sensations I witnessed was energy moving from the top of my head to the back of my brain and feeling like it was running down my spine. It was a strange feeling but I wasn't afraid. It was a feeling that felt old and it felt like I was being brought back down in to my body. I felt it in my shoulders and mostly at the connection of my back brain and spine. It literally felt as if my spirit was being pulled out of my mind and back in to my body where it belonged.
Most of our "problems," "stresses" and "worries" are soooo not worth sabotaging ourselves over. SO many of them are so small and actually don't matter at all. It's all the mind and the ego that try to convince us they are. Don't worry. I promise nothing is solved by worrying. Let it go. Trust the process and pay attention to the signs the universe gives you. You are so protected at all times. Everything is unfolding exactly as it should if you let it. Stop trying to control it.
This experience shook me to my core, but in a good way. This is not me recommending you to try Bufo Alvarius. This is a decision YOU and ONLY YOU should make for your body and soul. Do it for the right reasons if you're going to do it. Do it with people you trust with your gut and remember this a sacred ceremony. This experience is sacred for you. You're doing this for you, because you know you want to heal. Do it with people trained and trusted to perform this ceremony with experience in their lineage.
I'm so happy I did this. Everything is coming together. The puzzle is forming and coming together. I'm really excited for what's to come, but most importantly, I'm really excited to get out of my own way. I'm excited to keep gaining control over me, my life and my mind.
God bless you and your healing journey. I hope you find the answers you're looking for and ask you to trust this process. Trust it and make decisions from your gut. Your intuition is always right. Thanks for reading :)
Please note that the information on this website is not intended to serve as medical advice. Always seek the advice of a licensed health care provider before making any treatment decisions. Information provided is for informational purposes only and represents the opinions formed by myself based on my experiences, the experience of those I've worked with, and research of sources. No responsibility is assumed for any errors or omissions in the content of this website.