Updated: Jul 9, 2020
Grab a comfy blanket, some tissues and get cozy, this is about to be a good one.
I had a day of anger and a lot of emotions that arose in my system today. I didn’t understand why and I felt my throat have a lump in it. It’s like if my system is trying to get rid of some sort of energetic charge or past emotion/thought pattern that is no longer serving me. I realized I’ve been pushing this down instead of feeling it out. I also finally put a realization to it. I finally understood why I was feeling that way and what event caused it.
So today, I allowed myself to feel. I allowed myself to cry for most of the day and become angry and yell in my pillow and cry to God.
After I let it out and had a headache from how much I cried, I was like “man, this is some bullshit.” (LOL).
I realized I fell out of alignment. I was again allowing people to dictate my reality and my truth. I was allowing other’s opinions, reactions and demands/beliefs influence me. I’m happy I caught myself. Shoutout to my Life Coach and Counselor for helping me create this awareness.
I noticed I was stressing my system out again by believing that I needed to be guilty or perform to be loved. I noticed I was still carrying on to guilt and shame that was instilled in me that is not mine. I realized I was allowing other people’s opinions of me define who I am. This is the biggest trauma-bond I’m working on unraveling.
Have you ever heard a parent, lover or friend say “well if you don’t do this for me then you don't care about me.“ Or how about “if you were ____ enough you would have done it already.” Or how about “the least you can do is ____.” Or how about accusing you of not doing something they feel you should be doing to make them feel better? How about guilting your for not loving them “enough” because you don’t glorify them and all their good qualities? How about putting you down and guilting you for being upset at them? Do they deflect guilt and shame on to you when you let them know you're hurt from actions they took?
These are all forms of trauma. This creates guilt and shame in your system. It creates a fake belief system in you that makes you think you’re not enough or that something is wrong with you. Personally, I think this is gaslighting, but to each their own. Be weary of people who say these types of things to you and make you feel this way. These are people that are so incredibly lost within themselves that they have to manipulate someone externally to fill the void they have in their hearts. DO NOT take their projections on to you seriously. Take them with a grain of salt, PLEASE. You are so whole and worthy and ENOUGH just as you are. The more you realize people’s projections on to you don’t have ANYTHING to do with you and actually EVERYTHING to do with them, the more at peace you will feel.
Have you ever been shamed for telling the truth? Have you ever been scared to live in your truth? Have your ever felt that feeling your emotions, speaking about them, validating them, supporting them, standing behind them and acknowledging you feel them is just “silly” or “weak?” Are you afraid to show people how you really feel? Are you afraid of showing people the truth because you think they’ll think less of you, judge you, leave you, or potentially even bring harm?
Be weary of people that distort your reality and say “I didn’t do that to you“ or “I didn’t say that.” Be weary of individuals who project shame or guilt on you as a way to manipulate you and how you make them feel. Or how about invalidating your feelings with their body language and judgements? You don’t need to speak to judge someone, did you know that?
If someone tells you how you're making them feel without even saying words, self reflect. Use this as a form of self awareness for yourself and your responses. Why are you responding this way to someone’s pain? And to the person who feels hurt: what limiting belief and void is this striking a chord in you? How old were you when it started?
Did you know that as a baby you come here as full consciousness. You don’t have any programming yet. It isn’t until we get older and grow up that we start developing the programming that is running us today as adults. When you were a kid and threw a tantrum, your parents would say “no you’re a bad kid! Or you’re a cry baby!” Or “that’s not what a good kid does!” When you became an adult, you found it harder to cry healthily and process emotions because we have some stupid illusion or set of rules that were imposed on us. Those rules told us that being an emotional being is wrong, immature, weak, embarrassing, shameful, dumb, etc. Those rules made you feel like you were less of a man or a woman if you expressed them as you were literally MADE to.
So why do we buy in to this? Really take a second to think about it. Write it down, journal about it.
Do we buy in to it because we are afraid we will lose friends? Because your parents will chastise you? Because society has some fake ass definition of what makes a “real” man or woman? Because your job doesn’t allow you to? Because we value other people’s opinions more than our own? Because your partner will be turned off by your emotions? Because you don’t like to feel sad? Or mad? Or scared?
I am seeing people are more and more worried about what others think about them daily. Even the ones who preach they don’t. Trust me, I’m guilty of it too. No ones completely free of giving a fuck, lol. It’s because this is what we were taught since we were babies. That we should behave a certain way and care what others think in order to be loved and accepted in exchange.
You guys do realize no one has the power to make other people change their opinions about you, right? So why is it that we care about gossip or rumors spread about us? Why do we freak out when you hear someone is talking about us negatively? Why do we get upset? When you know who you are and don’t have a fake image to uphold, you aren’t bothered by this. You live in your truth daily and embrace all that you are: mistakes, flaws and all. You embody this because you know you’re a human being. You allow people to engage in miserable behavior all they want because you know who YOU are and that’s all that matters. No one’s opinion of you matters more than your OWN.
You were brought on this Earth to FEEL. If not, we wouldn’t have emotions. The more I look around me, the more I see we are mirroring robots. Why are we so afraid of AIs potentially roaming the Earth with us when society is causing us to turn more and more robotic every day?
The more we suppress emotions, the more we are prone to chronic illnesses. This includes fatigue, depression, anxiety, thyroid issues, balance issues, hormonal issues, acne, obesity, heart issues, digestive issues, inflammation, migraines, headaches, binge eating, sleep issues, vision issues, etc. Your nervous system is feeding you this bodily reaction because it wants to get it out and fully process it, just as a baby does when it cries and then eventually calms down. It completes the normal cycle of self-regulating emotions. The more you push it down, the more it’ll continue to come up. The more you distract, the more you’ll become anxious and keep thinking about it. You need to FEEL to HEAL.
Now let’s talk about why you keep getting drawn to the same type of toxic partners, friends, coworkers, jobs, etc. Have you ever felt like bad things just keep happening to you? Just one after another? Same. I’ve been there. But you need to shift this. The reason this keeps happening is because you have some form of unhealed trauma. You need to do a lot of inner work and self reflection to realize where this stemmed from and if you’ve been ignoring it. You keep repeating this same cycle because you think this is what’s supposed to be “normal.“ Have you ever dated a partner that felt like ”home?” I have. But think about it, was home ever a safe place to grow up in to begin with? Did your parents provide you a healthy example of a relationship? One filled with loyalty, love, healthy boundaries, healthy conversations/discussions, etc? Or did you grow up in an emotionally, mentally or physically abusive home? We often look for partners that mirror unhealed parts of ourselves. Look at your friends, do they all feel like home? Like you belong? What makes you feel like you belong? Is it drinking, drugs, going out with them all the time, etc? We often also attract people that mirror what we grew up with. You are who you hangout with is such a true term.
Whew, take a deep breath. I know that was a lot to take in.
This is all okay. Nothing has gone wrong. This can be changed. There is nothing wrong with you. If you feel that you resonate with any of the above, congrats, you’ve created awareness on an internal conflict that you can resolve.
You are not your thoughts, you are not your emotions, you are not your fearful reactions.
You are worthy of love, change and peace, no matter what you have done in life.
It’s never too late to want to heal. You have to start with forgiving yourself for not knowing better and using what you knew to survive. It’s okay. You’re here now. You have that awareness that something didn’t feel right inside and you want to live a better life.
It’s never too late to unravel the layers of conditioning and trauma that you’ve had bestowed upon you. It’s also completely OKAY and normal to acknowledge you have experienced trauma. It’s also completely HEALTHY and NORMAL to seek help. Whatever modality helps you process this and restores peace within you.
It’s time to come back home. It’s time to learn how to feel our emotions again. It’s time to embody who we are. It’s time to heal so we can make the world a better place.
Happy healing, you brave, capable and courageous soul.