So, let’s get started.
Today, I woke up and something just shifted. It’s like if my body was like “I’m tired of your own shit“ and I felt a shift. I felt myself just not care anymore. My body is so exhausted. When the hell was I going to come back to me and just stop giving a fuck about everything else?
I don’t ever want to lose myself again. I won’t ever let myself lose me again. I’m making a commitment to myself, and that’s a commitment I never want to fucking break. I’m fucking allowed to exist on this Earth. I’m allowed to go about my life in peace at the cost of whatever it is. I’m allowed to embody and live as my true-self, as I was sent on this Earth to live. I’m allowed to go about my life learning, experiencing, loving, understanding and growing.
My God, how brainwashed and controlled our society is...It seems the more enlightened and awakened I become, the more I realize all of those around me are walking around so broken and what’s worse is they have no awareness of this to begin making a change.
Just pause for a sec, do you guys really see what’s going on around you? All the people rushing to and from work, stressing about the time, stressing about deadlines, stressing about money, about that one coworker they don’t like, relationship problems, how much weight they’ve gained, their health, etc. Stress stress stress blah blah blah. Seems like it never ends, right? That’s where you’re wrong, my friend.
Everyone chooses to awaken when their time is right. I truly believe we all have an awakening ready for us. It’s right there. Right in your reach. You just have to finally WANT to make that change.
For some people, like my case, this awakening comes in the form of a “chronic illness.” I use quotes because I don’t believe there is such a thing, not even with cancer. I believe everything in this life can be healed, no matter how dire and difficult the circumstances. You’ve seen it in radical remission cancer survivors. I believe people over identify with their health issues. I believe they make it a part of their identity. So instead of introducing themselves with their names, they have to throw in their diagnosis as well so they feel safer and less pressured to act a certain way. This is so detrimental for your own health. Cut that shit out, right now. I’ve been there, I’ve done it and I saw first hand at how it didn’t help me. You’re normal. You are healed and are on this Earth as you were meant to be. The more you identify with what’s wrong with you, the more you’ll want it to stay a part of your life. Your body is literally made to heal and is doing its best to heal, you just have to get out of the way. You have so much power within your body. You’re a self-healing machine. Our bodies are so breathtakingly intelligent it literally awes me. Western Medicine is so far behind when it comes to this.
This is a whole other blog post, which, I hope to write about in the near future, but for now, lets get back on track to the point of this post.
My awakening manifested in a “chronic illness.” You guys have absolutely no idea the hell I've been through. Typing about it literally brings me to tears because I can’t believe I went through all that and am surviving and am where I am now. 3 months ago, I would’ve told you that you were crazy for telling me I would go through more hell and still survive. I thought I was at my breaking point in January and February 2020. I won’t lie, there were days where it felt so much easier to just take the pain and suffering away and end it all. I found myself on the floor crying a lot. I found myself questioning and yelling at God asking why. I found it so hard to shower some days. I was terrified of waking up every day to what I would experience. I found myself wishing and begging for me to be happy and live like all those other happy people outside walking or online. I felt so miserable. I felt so unfulfilled and empty. I wanted my life back. Nothing and no one made me happy.
Fast forward 3 months later, I’m surviving. I’m finding my strength. I went through more hell. It has not been easy at all. I’ve had to make difficult decisions. My family has seen me cry for days. They’ve seen me be unable to eat. They’ve seen me physically tremble because of how much emotional pain I was in. They’ve seen me cry half way into eating a meal. They’ve seen me have to put my food away because I feel my throat tightens up and it’s hard to breathe. I’ve been in the space where it physically hurts to breathe because of how much emotional pain I experienced. My life coach and the practitioners I’ve worked with have seen me completely broken and crying for the full session because I just needed someone to talk to and to let it run through me. And guess what? This is all perfectly okay. This is part of the healing process.
I’ve had days where I’ve looked at myself in the mirror and literally cry at the fact I forced a smile to remember what it’s like to see me smile again. I’ve had days looking at myself in the mirror and wondering how someone could’ve abandoned me in my time of need. I’ve questioned myself and looked at myself with disgust and hate, wondering what I did to make people leave me. I’ve wondered where I lost myself, when it happened and why I didn’t pull myself out of it sooner. I’ve wondered where the cheerful and healthy young girl went that loved to play sports, was so hard working and had ambition through the roof was. The pain of this all felt like I was detoxing from a drug. I’ve cried, I’ve mourned, I’ve grieved. I’ve been angry, I’ve been resentful, I’ve hated, I’ve been rancorous and embarrassed. But then, to my surprise, peace has followed.
And today it just hit me. I’m tired. I’m tired of caring. I’m tired of asking myself what went wrong or where it went wrong. I don’t care anymore. I don’t care what I could've or couldn’t have done. I don’t care what anyone thinks. I don’t care who’s mad and who’s not. I don’t care. It’s not in my physical ability to care anymore. I surrender. I surrender to life unfolding how it’s supposed to unfold for me. I surrender to keep trusting the process and keep trusting God. I’m not responsible for how anyone else feels but me. I owe it to myself to put myself first finally.
I realized this journey is about me, not anyone else. Shyla and I worked more on where the guilt and shame stems from and I had a huge epiphany today.
Like honestly, who cares? Who cares what went wrong and what went right? Why ruminate? Who cares if I didn’t know what I know now? Who cares what I may have fucked up and what didn’t end up working out how I wanted it to? Who cares? That’s part of the human experience. Allow yourself to let things go and keep moving forward. What’s meant for you will be for you and will never pass you by. You are not in control. Control is a mere illusion. What you can control is the peace you decide to give your mind and body about it.
This process is about me. It’s not about looking for answers or putting other people before me anymore. It’s not about wanting closures or understanding. It’s not about wanting to resent or hate someone for the things they decided to do that hurt me. People will be who they are. Their reactions and actions have nothing to do with me. However, I do have control to walk away whenever the hell I want, even when nothing has gone wrong. I have PERMISSION to do what I want to do for ME without having to make that choice from suffering.
This journey is about coming back home to me. It’s about coming back to my body. It’s about embodying myself again. It’s about coming home. I’m home. I’m home with myself. I feel it inside my chest. I’m coming home. I’m home when I got me, when I got my own back.
I lost myself trying to rescue and please everyone else around me for years. I was always the star athlete, the good student, the over achiever, the perfectionist, the hard worker, the “perfect“ girlfriend trying to please and play my “role.”
I always did what I THOUGHT I was supposed to be doing and I lived life so unfulfilled. I was still so unhappy. So I thought I had to keep performing and do more to get the happiness I wanted, but that wasn’t true at all. This was a recipe for disaster.
Being the star athlete didn’t stop my soccer days from ending. Being the good student didn‘t give me some spectacular job in the field I graduated in. Being the “perfect” girlfriend didn‘t stop my previous partners from cheating on me and leaving me. Being “pretty enough” didn’t fill the empty void I felt in my heart. Being “healthy” enough and working out all the time didn’t stop me from developing a ”chronic illness” that has taken me months and a lot of emotional/mental work to heal.
But I’m here now. I’m not anywhere else but here. I’ve made peace with the past. I’ve made peace with the fact things have changed and they have changed for my greater good. I’ve been removed and saved from situations that no longer serve me and have already fulfilled their purpose in my life. But most importantly, I HAVE PERMISSION to want me and only me. To love me and only me for as long as it takes me to come back home and embody who I really am meant to be. Life is happening FOR ME, not to me.
I’ve made peace with the fact people are allowed to do and say as they please, just how I have the choice and PERMISSION to not accept those actions and words and love myself enough to walk away. It doesn’t make you heartless to not want to give second chances. Honestly, I never believed in second chances when it came to certain circumstances. If I still would’ve had that standard set for myself, we probably wouldn’t be here right now. You wouldn’t be reading this and I would’ve eventually not reached my awakening until later down the line. I had to learn these lessons. There’s beauty in that, because I don’t know who needs to read this right now to get them out of that tough time.
Give yourself permission to come first, always. It doesn’t matter what the situation is. At work, in a relationship, with your family, etc. If you’re not okay, none of those things will matter anyways. Take it from me. Absolutely nothing mattered in life when I wasn’t okay enough to go to work anymore because I didn’t have the energy to get myself in the shower or to eat. Give yourself permission to let go of the past no matter how much it hurts. Give yourself permission to let that person who is not loving you right go. Give yourself permission to leave that job that isn’t fulfilling you or appreciating you. Give yourself permission to move homes or states. Give yourself permission to do what makes your soul happy before caring about the opinions or judgments of others. I promise you, no one’s opinion about you matters more than YOURS. Give yourself the fucking permission to exist and fucking live. Turn a cheek to anything that isn’t serving you, even if nothing has gone wrong. Take that risk if you feel it in your gut. Don’t look back. Don’t regret. Just learn. You only get to do this thing called life once. Don’t let anyone or anything disrupt your peace. Recreate yourself every day. Be very gentle with yourself. One step at a time. FORGIVE YOURSELF for not knowing what you know now and keep moving forward. It’s okay. It’s all already okay now. Get out of your head.
Here’s to your healing, to your embodiment, to your PERMISSION to finally do what feels right for you. Remember who the fuck you are. Get up. Every day is a new, fresh start. Do YOU no matter who and what it costs. Stay true to you.