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CELEBRATING ME - A LETTER


Dear Tati,


I'm sorry, I love you, I'm so proud of you, please forgive me and thank you. You are the bravest fucking girl I have ever met and known. You have the tenderest heart made of gold. You knew what your purpose was on this Earth all along, since you were little. You knew it, you were right. Me duele el corazón saber todo lo que has pasado en tu vida. Vos sos muy fuerte. Dios mío, todavia me sorprendes todos los días.


I'm so fucking sorry. I'm so fucking sorry for abandoning you when you needed me the most. I'm so sorry for making you feel like you were wrong or like there was something wrong with you. I'm sorry I silenced you for so long. I'm sorry I made you feel not worthy of love or not good enough. I'm sorry I left you when you were so scared. I'm sorry you went through this by yourself and needed me.


But I'm here now. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. I forgive you. I forgive you. I forgive me.


All you've ever wanted is to emerge and be happy in life. You wanted people to love you the way you always wanted me to love you. You didn't understand why people were so mean. You didn't understand what you did wrong for them to treat you that way. You are so innocent. I see in your eyes that you were so scared for so long. You didn't ever want to be mean, you didn't feel good when you were mean to people, you knew that wasn't you, but you didn't know any other way to survive.


My heart still aches from abandoning you. From abandoning your music taste, your loves, wants and desires. Your dreams, your peace of mind, your smiles, your hugs, your happiness. My heart aches from forcing you to change for other people. It aches that you knew exactly what you should and needed to do, but you silenced it out of that fear you've been carrying around since a little girl.


I'm sorry you were yelled at, physically, mentally and emotionally abused as a child. I'm sorry you felt you needed to run away from mom. I'm sorry you were little when you had to see things you didn't deserve to see. I'm sorry you were exposed to cruelty so young. I'm sorry you kept doing that to yourself as an adult. I'm sorry you let yourself fall in love with people that were going to do the same thing to you. I'm sorry you kept trying to change yourself to win over their love. I'm sorry I didn't listen until listening was the only choice I had left. I'm sorry you were on the floor crying for days and months because you didn't like what you were feeling in your head and in your body. I'm sorry you weren't listened to and loved and nurtured correctly and how you wanted. I'm sorry you were abandoned when you needed someone the most and your life collapsed before your eyes. I'm sorry someone let you feel like you weren't worthy of their love anymore because they couldn't handle you at your worst. I'm sorry I let you confuse this with love.


I know how tough it was to eat, I know how tough it was to sleep and shower. I know how tough it was to present a false image of someone you thought you loved to the world just so you would convince yourself and feel better.


I know how tough it was to show up to work every day when you felt like dying. I know you still tried your best with the little energy you had to. I know you did everything you could. I know you did way more than you needed to. I'm sorry you didn't feel appreciated for this. I'm sorry people treated you like a disposable number rather than a human being after everything you had done.


But I'm here now. You're here now. We're here now. We survived, together. You survived and I survived. And guess what, chiquita? I'm so fucking proud of you. I owe it to myself. I owe it to you. You're not a victim any more. No more. No more suffering. These people and these circumstances no longer have power over you. I release them in the name of love. I thank them for showing up, showing me what they needed to and leaving. I allow them to continue leaving my life. I am whole. I am healed. I am here. I survived. I lived. I'm fucking here. And I'm coming. I'm becoming better than ever. I know what it's like to feel like a true fighter, a true warrior, a true survivor. Everything that pained me was the greatest gift in my life. They are growing pains. I'm not done here. I'm so excited for what's to come next for you. I'm so excited for you to raise a child of your own in to a powerful being with so much wisdom and knowledge that you carry now. And you're only 24!!! Get excited, get very excited ;)


I'm so proud of you for walking again. I'm proud of you for fighting and finding a way to heal. I'm proud of you for not giving up no matter how many times you fell to the floor crying. I'm proud of you for taking the leap of faith and doing things you wouldn't have done a year ago. I'm proud of you for breaking your cycles. I'm proud of you for ignoring and dismissing the doubters and the people who can't stand seeing you shine. I'm proud of you for following your heart and helping so many other people with what you're doing now. Keep writing, keep speaking up, keep speaking your truth. I'm proud of you for putting you first now. I'm proud of you for showing up for that little girl and building her up with you again. I'm proud of you for going back to get her and bringing her up with you. They have no idea what's in store...


This is my revival. I'm being reborn. I'm finally emerging. I've awakened. The chains are finally breaking. They have no idea what's in store...


This is it. This is my cocooning phase. I can feel it. I can feel the transformation. This is my time.


I'm so grateful for the pain. I'm sooo ever eternally grateful. Thank you God for putting me through this. Thank you for everything. You never left me alone. You did this for me. All of this was for my better benefit. For me to finally listen. Thank you for making me one of your chosen ones to endure so much pain. You knew I was strong enough and tough enough to get through this. You wanted me to recognize my true power and strength and potential.


It's been enough. It's time to get up. No one can save me but me. I'll save myself at the cost of losing everything. I don't lose anything when I got me.


I'm here. Are you ready? I am ;)


With love and all the faith in you in the world. Te quiero mucho,


Tati


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© 2020 by Valerie Martinez. Valerie's Revival.